A darker time than usual.

I don't want to alarm anyone, but I'm struggling right now and I don't know why.  I post a lot of more positive things usually, however that does not mean my life is all sunshine and rainbows.  As a matter of fact, most days it is a numbing grey sensation.  Right now seems a bit darker than usual though.  I can't quite put my finger on it.  The sensation for harming myself is high, and with each passing day it gets higher.  Don't panic, I've already told people and have plans in place to ensure my safety.  I'd like to take this time to talk about these urges though.

These urges have come with an increase in nightmares and closed eye hallucinations.  What do I see when I close my eyes?  Random patterns of light at first, then flashes of images that I can't control, usually disturbing in nature.  This leads to me not getting restful sleep, which in turn leads to depression.

Currently however I am experiencing a mixed state.  Which is when I am experiencing both a high and a low all at the same time.  Which is confusing to imagine, I know, but I assure you that such a thing exists.  This makes it hard to identify what is going on with me because on the one hand I may have a lack of interest in things that I normally would, conversely I have more ambition for things that I haven't done in a while.  I also am aware that this is the time when I am most prone to actually committing suicide.  All my attempts in the past have been during mixed episodes.

I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way, or even if anything can fix it.  Maybe it is time to see about getting my medications changed.  I've thought about getting another evaluation done, because I'm thinking there's more at work that just bipolar and social anxiety disorder.  New country, new rules though, so I'm not even sure how to go about getting that done.

Or even if they will, given how long I have had this diagnosis.  Not being believed is something that bothers me.  Especially after an event that occurred about four years ago during a hospitalization.  The doctor asked me where my scars were.  If I cut, I would surely have scars.

This upset me greatly, and makes me hesitant to share my experiences honestly for fear of being judged like that again.

At any rate, I have been given the task to figure out what is wrong.  What if nothing triggered the episode and I am just chemically deprived?  I suppose that would be what is wrong.  I suppose trying to figure out how to get to a doctor is a good first step.

What do you do to help in times of darkness?  I'm looking for any suggestions you may have.  Thanks for taking the time to read.

--JJM

Dealing with general anxiety (a short introduction to my experience)

I often get stressed about things and I don't understand why.  Even better than that, I often get stressed about things and I don't know that I am even stressed about anything in particular.  This leads to many things, including fatigue, anger, and general unrest.  This often comes out in my being particularly cantankerous at times.  I fully realize that I may need to focus on this and am mostly writing to brainstorm on what I can do differently to help recognize my triggers and how to deal with them in a healthy and productive way.

Perhaps I should look at things in reverse.  Perhaps I should notice when I am being particular on edge and stop and evaluate, in more detail, why I am feeling that particular way.  In the past this has been less than ideal because I would find something external to focus on as the trigger for my current issue instead of what was really bothering me.  This led to many arguments that could only be classified as extraneous.

One thing that seems to help is to have someone understanding who is able to "check" me.  That is, ask me why I'm upset and understand that my stated reason may not be the true reason.  Though, as understanding as she is she sometimes upset that I am not more able to identify my emotions and thoughts.  She touts "mindfulness," but I try.  The issue is my mind wanders, and I mean goes out for a walk to end no others.  So many thoughts occurring simultaneously in such a way that they are like fish swimming in a school:  hard to track down and catch a single one.

This is apparent in the way I write.  More free-form I suppose.

Anyway.  The way things are going right now, I know that I'm stressed about work (I've now got two jobs), but is that all?  I know right now I think I'm struggling with things emotionally, but I'm not sure how much of that is work, and how much of that is me going so long without "professional" support.  Perhaps a mixture of both?

I just know that I am lucky that the Universe has conspired to guide my actions in such a way that I wound up with my wife.  I could have theoretically wound up with her if things had gone ideally with university and other aspects of my life, but I would not be the person I am nor have the things I do.  It is a wonderful conspiracy to be sure.

I should probably end this bit of a rant before it becomes totally derailed.  I will write again soon with regards to what I am struggling with specifically.

--JJM

"You don't seem bi polar."

Not so long ago these words were said to me.

I felt like asking "What does a person with bi polar disorder seem like?"  I, however, didn't.  I'm not even sure what was meant by the comment.  I pondered what it could have meant.  Maybe missing more days where I volunteer, maybe doing "obviously crazy" things.  So, I am going to talk about who I am as a person to demonstrate what it actually means to be bi polar.

I just recently attained my permanent residency in Canada, so I've begun looking for full time work.  This is a long and difficult process as I am attempting to maneuver a career change.  Career change from what?  Well, being as I had gotten sick in University and felt that I was unable to get the support I needed and so flunked out of my courses, when I returned home (eventually) after a manic phase, to a very small town I was presented with very few employment options.  As such I took employment where I could: a Wal-Mart.  I worked there for a while before having another manic phase taking me to another state where I began to work, again, in retail.  This became who I was professionally and so I was left with feeling as though I could do nothing else.  I moved to yet another small town where the only place to really work was either Wal-Mart or a grocery store.  I decided to change things up and worked for the grocer.

So, where does this tie in with what my career change is?  As you could have guessed, I am trying desperately to get out of the retail business.  My interview is actually with an inbound call centre for a larger telecommunications company.  Not ideal, but I stand a good chance (I feel) of getting this work full time work.

Also of note on this front is since volunteering here at an alternative high school I've developed strong connections with people and have networked extensively allowing many additional opportunities to develop such as working in the day camps, or other positions.  Which is towards my ultimate career goal.

I play video games, board games, and pen and paper role-playing games in my spare time.  I usually try to take as many people as I can along for those rides, because they are more fun in groups.  Which seems opposite of my social anxiety, but that is a story for another time.  I have been learning HTML, CSS, and JavaScript in my spare time.  I'm doing this because of a program I found a while ago that allows the user to use the before mentioned languages, as well as it's own markup language, to write choose your own adventure stories/games.

I am happily married, and have been married longer than I've been seeking treatment.  More importantly than that is the fact that I have a great support system here that includes feeling as though I am making a difference in the world, friends and family here, as well as hobbies to keep me busy.  I try not to miss days, though I was incredibly sick with the flu for a few days last year and had to miss.  I have been told that I am "doing better than expected," whatever that is supposed to mean.

That's not to say my life is normal, I don't/can't drink nearly as much as I used to because of my medications.  I have to make sure my schedule is followed, my pills are taken, and other things to ensure my continued success.  I'm not perfect on any of those fronts, I've been known to stay up too late, miss days of medications, and the like.  I am better than I used to be for sure.  But no, I do not "seem" bi polar.  Because I am more than that, I am a complete individual with unique interests, goals, and abilities, just like everyone else.

I just happen to have an illness that sometimes causes issues in my life.  The point I think I am trying to make here is, we (people with mental health issues), are more than stereotypes and bit roles.  We aren't crazy (in the way people assume we are), we aren't ax murderers, or drooling messes.  By and large we are normal, everyday people, and the person you work with may have a serious mental illness such as schizophrenia, or bi polar, and you'd never know.  The more we we break the stigma, the more we openly talk about these things, the better as a whole our world will become.

So, what does it mean for you to be you?  How do you define yourself?  Any thoughts, I'd love to hear from you out there!  Until next time.
--JJM

Yet another hiatus, hopefully my last.

There seems to be a pattern with my writing, where I write for a month or two and then stop.  I must analyze this and figure out why I fall into this pattern.  My wife seems to think that I only write when I am going into a manic state.  Based on the two years I actually wrote it seems that I then “get manic” in the early spring.  This all leads to the notion of self-awareness.  I am not the most self-aware when it comes to my emotional state.

So, how do I become more aware of my mental state?  My wife bought me a book on mindfulness for the holidays last year, which I read, but it was more on mindfulness meditation.  That is great and all, but I do not know how that would translate into becoming aware of my emotional state when it changes so frequently.

Enough of the negativity with that, what changes have I made to help prevent my mood swings from becoming too frequent or extreme?

Whereas I had always awoke at the same time regardless of when I had gone to bed, I have again changed my sleeping patterns.  I have two times that my alarm is set for, an earlier alarm for the weekday, and a later alarm for the weekend.  But, what I have done differently is decided that I will go to bed at such a time that I always get eight or fewer hours of sleep.  This coupled with a much more strict control over caffeine intake has led to far fewer manic episodes over the past two and a half years.

I have also began using a bullet journal.  What is a bullet journal you ask?  It is a journal with a set of bullet points that correspond to things that I need to keep track of, such as chores, hours of sleep, naps, energy levels, mood levels, and making sure I shower, eat, and other such day to day activities I sometimes struggle with.

What has helped with the depressive side of things is being out of the house on a nearly full time basis during the day, giving me something to occupy my time so that I don’t have the ability to ruminate over things as easily as I used to.

That is not to say that medication hasn’t played a huge role in my continued stability--it has.  I have been careful to keep track of the days I miss my medication and how that impacts my mood.  All in all, these things have all led me to be very stable with only minor fluctuations that are to be expected, and almost always they have some sort of event that triggered a, usually depressive, episode lasting usually just a day.

These things have led me to believe that I can, and will, be better at maintaining the blog.

I am not going to make any kind of false promise that I will update as regularly as I should, but will only do my best to honestly report what is happening with me, my mental health issues, and the so called “good fight.”

But, why would I want to continue writing when I am so notoriously bad at keeping up with it?  Before I would look at my numbers and get discouraged that they weren’t higher.  This was utter nonsense as, firstly, such things shouldn’t matter.  Secondly it takes time, time that I have, time that I want to put in, but had an inflated sense of purpose due to hypo-mania.  I strongly believe that by starting writing with no clear goal, as well as during a time that I am generally unmotivated to do things could very well lead to building writing into a habit rather than an exciting new venture.

Also, I was in contact from some people from the psycho-social rehabilitation centre I was a client of several years ago, and it turns out that they have used some of my postings as a point of education.  This fills me with a sense of actual purpose, as now I know people read, enjoy, and benefit from my ramblings.

So, now I turn to you, readers, what would you like for me to talk about?  What should I do to help keep me focused on the long term goal instead of such short term goals that burn me out?
--JJM

Today I learned about positive self-talk.

     Today my therapist introduced me to the concept of “positive self-talk.”  According to her, this is the practice of, instead of focusing on the negative, talk through the positives.  For instance, I am often plagued by nightmares and wake in a confused state not sure where I am or what is going on.  Instead of focusing on how the dream made me feel; instead remind myself that it is over and that it cannot hurt me.  I am supposed to use this technique any time I begin my usual process of negative thoughts.

     This is in conjunction with a “thought record.”  This is a record of how I am feeling at a particular moment, what was happening at that moment, the negative thoughts that influenced my feelings, and more realistic thoughts that lead to (hopefully) a better set of feelings.  Ideally this is an actual physical record, though generally I don’t keep one around me at all times.

     These two things are “tools” in my so-called “toolkit.”  These are things that I can pull out and use when the negative and anxious thoughts begin to creep in.

     So how about you, what tools are in your toolkit?  Do you practice positive self-talk?

--JJM

More thoughts on news media and mental health.

     I was talking to my wife the other night about violent crime and mental illness.  She thinks that a person’s mental health issues can be pertinent to a crime; that people want to know why it has happened and that if a person who committed these crimes has a mental health issue it gives light to a possible reason as to why it happened.  I think that this is true to a certain extent, but I maintain that without asking the person why they committed the crime there is no knowing the true reason as to why they have done so.  We both agreed that the news media needs to portray more positives in the mental health community to promote the idea that people living with a mental health condition are just normal people, just as much as those who live with other health conditions.

     It is a tricky position to be in.  Admitting to the world you have any kind of invisible illness invites skepticism, if not worse.  On top of that, there are the sorts of discrimination that people with mental illness must always face.  Not everyone is strong enough to admit their condition, nor should they be forced to.  I fear that the media will always focus on the negative things that those who suffer with mental illness must face and ignoring the serious strength and courage that it takes to continue on in the face of the, sometimes great, adversity that they live with.

     We do not face this alone, however.  We often have allies, a loved one, a dear friend, or perhaps even a complete stranger.  These allies should take a more active role, if they can.  There are advocacy groups such as NAMI, but I do hope that more “ordinary” people stand up for those they know who live with these types of conditions such that the media would have a hard time making them out to be the villains they may not even truly be.

     I am not entirely sure how to go about ending the vilification that those who must live with a mental illness must sometimes face, but I do know that we cannot do it alone.  So I suppose I am calling out to others who live with, know someone who lives with, or is just a general ally of those who must face these challenges (often alone), to come to attention and speak up on behalf of those who may not be able to speak up for themselves.

     So, if you could do something to help end this form of discrimination, what would it be?

--JJM

The importance of routine.

     Every weekday morning I wake around 7:15 AM, take my medication, and get ready for the day.  After returning for the day I wash the dishes and start dinner.  After eating I sit and attempt to write for at least an hour.  After writing I have about an hour’s free time before taking care of the cats and getting ready for bed.  I am usually in bed between 10:00 and 10:30 PM, and fall asleep around 11:00.

     Weekends are a bit more lax, in the waking time, but I still go to bed at about the same time.

     It is important to have a routine, especially with bipolar.  Routine keeps me stable; at least it helps.  I know I get very upset when my long time routine is disrupted; specifically when I am informed of plans at the “last minute.”  I need at least a week, preferably two, to process the plan and become okay with it.  This is partially due to a disruption in my schedule needing to be taken into account and worked around, but another large factor is the anxiety associated with change.

     Routine makes it harder to forget things like showering or taking medication.  Also, and perhaps most importantly, sleep routine regulates my mood.  If I stay awake all night (something I haven’t done in over a year) I almost certainly swing into a manic state.  Going hand in hand with this, I limit my caffeine intake to about two cups of coffee a day, in the morning, and no more throughout the day.  This gives me the little pick-me-up I seem to need in the morning without keeping me up at night.

     My wife helps me stay on track with my daily and weekly routines, making sure I do what is needed.  She also asks why I didn’t stick to my regimen.  Adhering to a strict schedule can be difficult at times, but I know it is what is needed to keep me well, and that is very important to me.

     What types of routine do you have?  How does it impact your life?

--JJM

My experiences with sleep paralysis.

     Amongst other things, I suffer from bouts of sleep paralysis.  Sleep paralysis is when your brain wakes up before your body.  I have had many varied episodes and can give an account of them.  Firstly, my sleep paralysis occurs when I am waking up, and usually lasts somewhere between ten seconds to two or three minutes.  Those longer episodes are the more frightening (I will get to why shortly).

     Often these episodes are accompanied by hallucinations.  These can take the form of out of body experiences, feeling as though someone or something else is in the room with me, or some other vivid dream like experience.  When I am having a hallucinatory episode involving something else in the room, I am often filled with a great sense of dread, as though whatever is in the room is going to try and hurt me.  Sometimes this is accompanied by the sensation that something is on my chest making it difficult to breathe.

     While this is occurring I try to move my arms and legs but can’t.  It is as though some unseen force is pinning me down.  I usually also attempt to scream, but cannot.  The most frightening of all is when almost all of these things occur simultaneously; that feeling that something in the room is trying to harm me, while choking the life out of me, as I try to scream to no avail.

     These episodes often leave me feeling very tired for the rest of the day, and when one occurs it is very likely more will as well.  This makes napping a very “risky” choice.  If I fall asleep during the day, there is a good chance that I will have another sleep paralysis episode making me just as tired as I was before the nap.

     I do not remember having an episode until I was in my early to mid-twenties, with no particular trigger that I can remember.  This is not uncommon.  According to webMD, these episodes are supposed to be fairly common with people who suffer from mental health conditions such as anxiety, bipolar, depression, and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  It is also associated with some physical conditions, particularly narcolepsy and sleep apnea.  Despite all of this, by itself sleep paralysis is not considered a major debilitating condition.

     Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?  What are your experiences with it?  Or, even better, if you’ve overcome it, how?

--JJM